Monday, November 06, 2006

10 Stories

Fred Barnes wrote an interesting article in the Weekly Standard about "ten other storylines to follow on Election Day"

I present my own ten storylines to follow:

1) Will loyal Democrats be able to wrestle their conscience, or will they re-elect State Comptroller Alan Hevesi, whose illegal use of a state employee to chauffeur his wife was an ethical breach that he was censored for by the a State Ethics panel. He should not be re-elected. At least Spitzer did the right thing and withdrew his support of the man.

2) How many televisions will be stacked behind Wolf Blitzer as he "counts down" the close of the polls tomorrow? One can only wait with giddiness and thinly disguised anticipation for the crystal clear insight he will provide on Election Day. Who knows, he may even reveal himself as Wolverine's father, sans the adamantium skeleton.

3) Will Saddam's death sentence provide a last minute reprieve for embattled Republicans? It shouldn't, because it doesn't change anything on the ground in Iraq. It's somewhat of a moral victory, given that his trial has seen judges ousted or killed, witnesses intimidated, defendants thrown in and out, and probably by now the world's most notorious pajama clad dictator.

4) Since Karl Rove predicted the Republicans would hold the House and Senate, I can't wait to hear his excuse on Wednesday.

5) After winning the House and possibly the Senate, my giddiness and thinly disguised anticipation for Wolf Blitzer's inevitable Election night Tom Foolery and Ballyhoo will only be trumped by my childish giddiness and anticipation of the hollow promises and platitudes bound to come from the Democrats' mouths when they attempt to state what they will [fail to] do with a mandate from the people.

6) Who will be the next Republican to come out of the closet on Election Day? Oh come one, we all know these things come in three's: Foley, Haggard, and... (I can only speculate, but Orin Hatch is one dapper dresser)

7) John Kerry will eat a baby on live television, possibly throwing the election for the Democrats.

8) Terry Schiavo's ghost will come to haunt Bill Frist's dreams this Election Eve. Senator Frist will run from his home in Tennessee to the shores of the Atlantic, riddled with insanity, and then choke to death on sand and jellyfish. Terry Schiavo will have her revenge. Her spirit is enraged at the irony that Congress voted to keep her alive, but also denies Federal funding for research for Stem cells that may have one day cured her. (It's a stretch, but wasn't it fun)

9) John Kerry show up to vote in military fatigues, and then throw a handful of medals that he stole from some Vets into a crowd of supporters, the pins piercing their hearts. (REMIX)

10) Oprah Winfrey will declare her candidacy for President. Dr. Phil will be her running mate, although his ties to lobbyists will cause her to eventually distance herself from him and declare she will not have a running mate, for she is Oprah, the Alpha and Omega, the Yin and the Yang, the Peanut Butter and the Jelly. She will hold office from her studio, solve world hunger, balance the budget, end affirmative action, and retrieve Amelia Earheart's wreckage from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Oprah's opponents will be powerless against her; not only because of her domineering will, not only due to her gentle demeanor, not even because she has mastered the application of her eye-liner. Oprah will reign because she knows that her loyal fans will stop at nothing to get their fix of sweet, sweet Oprah. You thought free cars for everybody was something? How about free health insurance? Don't worry, the advertisers will pay for it.

No comments: