Monday, February 05, 2007

Give this man a Pulitzer!

Of course! It's all so clear to me now... watching the Super Bowl last night, I was initially under the impression the churning feeling in my stomach was the dense putrefaction and slow digestion of an unholy, but darkly satisfying combination of Doritos, mozzarella sticks, salsa, pizza, Yuengling, and (yes) donuts.

Then it dawned on me... the meager workings of my fragile psyche had crumbled like a tortilla cheddar cheese fountain under the weight of a psychosis induced by a phony Ultraman battling that weak Godzilla rip off. They could have at least had a Koragg cameo, maybe brandishing Udonna's Snow Staff... you know, from Power Rangers?

Thankfully, Stuart Elliot's article in today's New York Times helped me explain my suffering. His in depth analysis and insightful business sense got straight to the point: Advertisers aren't interested in paltry things like revenue, profit, or market share. They are really after one thing: Our collective, docile subconscious fears!

As I thought about it more (my mind's eye peeling back the layers of memory I'd buried so deeply to avoid suicide), I remembered something... then instantly realized Stuart Elliot's prognostications were misleading. During the 2002 Super Bowl, there was a commercial about crop signals. Apparently, they've been prevalent for years. And I quote: "For years the signs have been appearing..." The ending was so chilling, I recall that I turned away with fright... a cute little girl beckoning for a glass of water from her father, casually mentions a monster in her closet.

A MONSTER! No, not a monster... ALIENS!!!

This cannot be a simple coincidence. What's more, if one were to reach back in time again to the 2003 Super Bowl, the pattern continues. Recall the Sierra Mist commercial that featured two ingenious monkeys. These were no ordinary monkeys. They created a catapult from a rock and a plank, while Strauss' Thus Spoke Zarathustra from 2001: A Space Odyssey played in the background. These were no ordinary monkeys!

Which brings me to another thought... particularly, the preponderance of salacious female flesh all over television that began during the 1990's. There seems to have been an explosion of hot, sensual bodies everywhere. They are omnipresent... particularly in Super Bowl commercials.

What could be behind this slide into such base, prurient interests? Stuart Elliot sent me the answer through the telepathic connection we share. I must say, it is a bold theory, although I can't help but find it hard to believe. Stuart, if you're wrong - God help us.

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